Moms of miscarried and stillborn babies carry a private grief that no one else can understand. I have found that my emotions and needs are often deeper than my husband's. While we have both grieved, and still experience grief, my feelings are still more sensitive than his.
Many things contribute to a mom's grief. Personally, I fear that other people won't remember this special child that didn't make it. Or that I will have to "get over" it before I'm ready (I don't ever want to be "ready"!). I can't fully trust my body again; after all, it seems to have betrayed me. I wonder what my subsequent children will ask about their oldest sibling—and how I can be true to my first baby while celebrating my other kids. I know that my future pregnancies won't be quite as relaxed as some women's. I now know what can happen; I can't go back to naive innocence.
And yet miscarriage has deepened me. I have more sympathy for hurting people, especially those that are grieving. My appreciation for life—especially new life!—is hightened. My desire to be a mother is intensified and purified. Children are a gift, not something to be taken for granted.
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As a grieving mom, you need to allow yourself to be just that—a mom, and a woman experiencing grief.
Even if you don't have surviving children, you are still a mom! Don't let people convince you otherwise.
Allow yourself to grieve as you need to, not as you or other people expect you to. Grief is unpredictable, a scary time of new thoughts, new emotions, and new hurt. Let yourself feel and process. Eventually, the grief will lessen as you learn to weave it into the story of your life, rather than have it consume your story.
If you feel out of control in your grief, don't be afraid to get help. In the months following my miscarriage, there were many days when I felt that I was losing my sanity. It is the closest I have ever been to going crazy—and I didn't see any end in sight. I learned to ask for help: from my doctor, from my close friends, from others who had common experiences, from authors and poets, from my husband, and from God. Grief is not only personal; often it takes your community's help to get you through the roughest spots.
Whatever it means for you, don't neglect to grieve and get the help you need.
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