Getting pregnant after a miscarriage or stillbirth can be both healing and frightening. Another pregnancy shortly after the miscarriage was just what we needed to process and heal from the loss of our first baby. Other couples choose to wait a longer time for a number of reasons. If the lost pregnancy was not planned, couples often choose to wait until the original time they had agreed on before trying again. Other couples' grief is so intense that they are not emotionally ready for another pregnancy. Some couples get pregnant in a matter of weeks after the miscarriage or stillbirth (although most doctors don't recommend this in order to give your body a chance to recover and "replenish" for a new pregnancy).
There are many factors to consider in choosing to become pregnant again. A helpful book is "Trying Again: A Guide to Pregnancy after Miscarriage, Stillbirth, and Infant Loss" by Ann Douglas and John R. Sussman, MD. This book was very good at answering the practical questions about trying to get pregnant again. My doctor told me, "You can try again in two months"—this book gave me all of the ins and outs of what that decision really meant for my body and my family.
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If you are already in a subsequent pregnancy, you have a good idea of the fear that usually accompanies trying again after a loss. I was very fearful in my pregnancy after a miscarriage. Feeling the new baby kick and passing the week that we lost the first baby (18 weeks) were both milestones. I could breathe easier knowing that I had at least made it farther this time.
It is essential to have a doctor or midwife that understands your medical history. I chose to stay with the same doctor although many women do not. Be picky! My doctor allowed me to come in as often as needed in order to calm my nerves. Often I would just go in to hear the heartbeat. She also ordered a first trimester ultrasound which confirmed that the baby was growing normally.
These "small" things made a huge difference in keeping my fear under control. Most doctors are very understanding of the feelings and needs of women who have lost babies. If your isn't, I encourage you to look for a new one!
Before I got pregnant again, I read up on miscarriage, it's causes and what could be done to increase my chances for a healthy pregnancy next time. Although miscarriage usually has nothing to do with the mother's habits, I found comfort in making a list of things I wanted to do differently "next time." Things such as avoiding caffeine, taking more walks, and praying for my baby on a regular basis. I needed something to "do" about my loss and this gave me a place to direct my mommy energy.
Emotional bonding with your new unborn baby may be more difficult after a loss. Don't give yourself a hard time. The connection will come in time; this is the mind and heart's natural reaction to pain. I felt more protective, more responsible and more fragile the second time around. Capitalize on the positive feelings (for example, my protectiveness kept me from "risking it" in a number of ways) and let the emotional ties to your new baby come in time.
My husband had a hard time bonding with our new child but I wasn't worried. He has always wanted to be a dad and I knew that he was just reacting to the pain, not to the baby. When he felt the baby move for the first time, he kept his hand on my stomach for at least an hour. It was at that time that he felt the connection with his baby. If you are really concerned about your emotions during this time, talk to your doctor. There are many safe options available for pregnant women and their partners.
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This article from the March of Dimes covers the topic of trying again after a pregnancy loss. It offers helpful information in making the
decision to get pregnant againafter the loss of a child.
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