If your son, daughter, or friend has recently gone through the loss of a baby, there are things you can do to help.
First, be careful of what you say. Saying things like, "It's for the best," "You can have other kids," "I understand exactly what you are going through," or "Cheer up! It's not that bad" are not constructive or helpful. Instead, express your sympathy and love with comments such as "I'm sorry for your loss," "I'm also sad," "I'm praying for you," "I know this is hard for you" or "It's okay to cry."
Listening is one of the best gifts you can give to your grieving loved one. Even if they repeat themselves or aren't making much sense, your listening ear will be a help.
Let yourself grieve as well. If the lost child was your grandchild, neice, or nephew, you have also experienced a loss! Your tears and grief will not subtract from the parents' grief. If anything, it will confirm that they have a reason to be sad.
Offer to help and follow through in practical ways. We received many meals that were prepared for us when I didn't have the energy to cook. You could also volunteer to watch their other children, clean house or run errands.
Remember the date! While you will probably work through your grief quicker than your loved one, it is still important to remind yourself of important days when their grief might be most intense. Holidays are often difficult. As are significant dates like the day they found out about the pregnancy, the day the baby was lost, and the due date. Acknowledging your loved one's important grieving days means that you still care—and that it's ok for them to still feel sad. A simple card, phone call, or gentle hug can communicate your care long after the miscarriage.
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Helping children grieve:
If you have children who are old enough to understand (especially if they know about the pregnancy), you can help them to grieve by your honest answers and loving reassurance. Death is a difficult concept for children. Don't gloss over what happened ("we were wrong; there was no baby"), but be sure that your older children understand that pregnancy loss is not anyone's "fault." Let them grieve and be sad, and let them see your own sadness. Encourage them to talk about the baby and miscarriage if they wish. While you don't want to scare your children, it is important to be honest so they are not confused or frightened. Answer their questions and allow the loss to be a family loss, not just a personal one. Children are more touched by loss than we often realize. One new resource that is now available is an excellent picture book about a little girl whose little brother dies when he is born prematurely. See more at www.heavensbrighteststar.org
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This article from the March of Dimes offers suggestions for
helping loved ones grievethe loss of an unborn child.
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